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Message: <blockquote data-quote="sushi" data-source="post: 5204" data-attributes="member: 70">hey debhey debfirst, it saddens me that your children aren't there for you as much as you are for them. i was raised in a manner that this was not a choice for me. we have a close extended family but as i said, my mom wasn't warm toward us. that said, she fostered nearly 30 children before my dad died and the first one became my baby sister. i have another sister who i am very close to, probably because we grew up together, same friends, etc.) and we are only ten and a half months apart in age. i love them both equally and i hesitate to say biological, because it has nothing to do with that, but it's as if we were cut from the same cloth.second, we are alike regarding television and the computer being a huge part of our lives; i couldn't survive without both of them. i should be embarrassed about the amount of tv that i watch. lately i have been seriously considering getting a novel written. i love writing and it is also a large part of who i am. it isn't something i could ever stop, it's is like eating and breathing and not something i could live without. i focused on poetry in college and most of my writing is descriptive so it's hard to write in narrative form but i am learning by reading and doing. i have discovered, in the half a dozen books i've read on writing novels is that it is a semi-excuse for not sitting and forcing myself to write and yet i have this need to keep reading them. i hope i'm making sense, that's one of the reasons i decided to get off the narcotic pain meds, i'm worried about what i get down on paper being nothing but a waste of time. i have had a couple of people proof for me and i could have 100 people tell me that it's all good and i would still doubt. that's my own stuff though, others causing me to feel inadequate, and even after making the national honor society as an undergrad i still thought that it was a mistake or a fluke and people would discover that i was really ignorant.  i have finally come to terms with not needing validation from the outside world and now i'm working on my novel outline. i told myself that i either had to do it or resign to the fact that i would never do it, one or the other. i chose to do it.i also try to deposit once a month so i can win casino bonuses but living in new york state makes it hard. it isn't legal and there are only two places that i can play at, slotland (my favorite) and win-a-day. i have never cashed out either but i still keep trying. i'm not trying to get rich (i wouldn't object though), i'd just like to be out of debt and not worry about whether i buy groceries or medication, it's always medication. that doesn't mean i go without but i would love to be able to go to the grocery store and just buy everything i needed or wanted without putting something back because there was something else that i needed more. this isn't really living, it's existing and i'm sure that there are so many people out there in the same situation. that makes me sad and i think if i were rich it wouldn't last long because i can't stand to see people go without. that is a character flaw because i always put others first and end up in a bind but i prefer to keep this particular flaw. it makes me feel good and there isn't much else that does the same for me.i also tell myself that i wouldn't want to be young again because i would probably make the same mistakes but if i had knowledge beforehand that would be a different story. i would have loved to know that my estranged would continue cheating and i would never have added that miserable jerk's name to my mortgage. that small house i had in florida was my little piece of paradise, i felt better physically but i also vaguely remember the happiness i felt, if i can remember it then maybe i can replicate it one day. probably because moving to a warm climate was also a life-long dream and barring winning the lottery, i will never be in a position to have that again. this is something that i can't let go of as hard as i try. i want you to know that is has been a pleasure sharing some of my story with you. there is a lot of childhood trauma that i continue to deal with and i probably will need to deal with until the day i die but i have the tools that make these things manageable. i guess that's all i can hope for. i often tell myself that many people couldn't survive 1/10th of the trauma i've lived with, nor the myriad of health issues, and i know that there is a reason that i am still here. i sometimes think i know that reason but i will never know for sure but if i can help someone else, in any way, i will.thank you and i will add you to my prayers as well. i am sincerely grateful.suep.s. i just realized that anyone can read this, i hope they aren't upset that it isn't a gg issue but if someone else can get one grain of insight, knowledge or a hint of help then it is worth it.</blockquote>

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