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August/September GG News
It's John the Janitor here from GG.
Greedygirl has been threatening to send out a newsletter for weeks. She claims she has been too busy to do so. I think she's just being slack. Truth is she probably doesn't have anything to say that is worth listening to anyway. On the other hand, I have plenty to say.
I thought that I may periodically give GG members an insight in to how my mind works. We could call this segment 'The World According to John'.
You may not agree with what I say, and some of it may be tongue in cheek, but there will also be some hidden gems of wisdom for you to take with you along the road of life.
To set the scene you need to know that I'm Australian. I'm not your average Australian though - most Aussies are as common as muck. I'm more like Dame Edna Everage. I strive to bring a touch of class to everything I do. This makes working with Greedygirl extremely difficult. She's so common that she could be mistaken for being Australian. I have requested that the Australian Government give her an honorary citizenship and am waiting to hear back from them.
Please note that the following are NOT simply ramblings of a deranged mind - even though Greedygirl says they are.
THE WORLD ACCORDING TO JOHN
Sex: Be responsible and always practice safe sex. Safe sex means you never tell her your real name or where you live.
Porn: Love it. Can't watch enough of it. I didn't know that the human body was capable of doing half the things I have witnessed on the Internet. Here's a link to my favorite free site: (link deleted by Greedygirl)
Marriage for men: Don't do it.
You will enjoy more satisfaction paying hookers to do whatever you want. To keep the species alive you can leave deposits of sperm at sperm banks for free or in some cases for financial reward. This is the best way to never have to deal with kids.
Being a father is very tiring. You can child proof your home as much as you like but they still get in. I know!
The biggest drawback to being married as I see it is that when you ask your wife to wear a skimpy French maids outfit, she'll accuse you of being a sick twisted pervert. When you ask the maid to wear one she thinks it's just her uniform.
Marriage for women: Don't do it.
You will never be happy with any man, so why bother? You'll fall for a man because of his unique manner and qualities. You'll then decide that you can improve on those qualities and you'll mess with them. You'll work on him and do your damnedest to mould him into the man you know he can be. When you are done, you won't be happy with the result. You'll then accuse him of not being the same kind, generous and loving man that you married.
When you want children it's far better for you to simply go to the sperm bank and flick through a catalogue of their donors. That way you can select the perfect father for your children without having the opportunity to mess him up by trying to fix him.
Work: Unfortunately I am allergic to work. To my knowledge I'm the only Australian to be officially diagnosed with this allergy. I'm sure that millions of Australians suffer from the same allergy but they have been misdiagnosed by the government as simply being bone-idol-lazy.
A doctor told me that my work allergy was triggered by food. He was of the opinion that I had stuffed so much food in my mouth over the years that I got obese and unable to get out of my lounge chair. The Ball and Chain agreed with his diagnosis.
Olympic Games: Here's a spot quiz for you. Australia does very well in the Olympic sports of cycling, equestrian, rowing, kayaking and yachting. Why? What do these sports all have in common?
The answer is that they can all be done whilst sitting down. I told you there was a lot more Australians who are allergic to work than just me.
OK. So what about swimming I hear you ask. Many Australians are good at swimming. Yes, I agree. The chronically work allergic ones are. Their allergy is so bad that they can't do a sport that simply allows them to sit down. They need their bodies to be supported and cushioned by a large pool of water just to get through the day.
As I sit here writing this very informative article for you, I am watching the Olympics. I have just witnessed two Australian swimmers come seventh and eighth in a backstroke event. They must both have a very severe case of the work allergy. They couldn't even perform well cushioned by water whilst laying on their backs. So sad.
Archery and shooting I hear you say. Australians have won medals in those Olympic sports in Rio. Yes they have. And fortunately they are only afflicted with minor symptoms of the work allergy. They are able to stand up, take a shot, and then sit down again for a rest.
Wait til they get to the athletics. If there's physical exertion required you won't see an Australian in sight. If you do see one wandering around the arena, it's a sure bet they will be lost and looking for a place to sit down. Trust me, the Australian athletes will be far outnumbered by the Pokemon characters wandering around the athletics.
Gambling: Love it. The only gambling problem I have is that I can't get enough of it. Here's a tip for you. Only ever gamble with money. Don't ever gamble with anything important like trust, love or relationships.
As I see it, gambling should be an Olympic sport. Of course Australia would win all the medals. As explained above, no one can compete with us in sport when it comes to sitting down. Sit us in front of a slot machine, blackjack table, roulette wheel or whatever, and as long as we don't have to do anything more strenuous than push a few chips around, we won't leave. A gambling marathon is our favorite event.
I'm going to sign off now. Greedygirl is going to list a few trusted GG sponsors that will allow you to sit at home and gamble to your hearts content.
NOTES FROM GREEDYGIRL
For all you members who have been around since the early days, you can see by John's writing that he really hasn't changed. His brain spews bizarre smatterings into his typing fingertips, all of which makes little sense. Fortunately, it IS cheap entertainment. After all, it's not as if you're PAYING for quality, around here. Come to think of it, you don't pay for anything here at GoneGambling, which is probably a good thing. I'm guessing if members had to pay, we'd have two members left: John and Deedeemoe.
Now that it sounds as if I'M the one rambling a bit, I'm gonna bring my focus back to some important stuff.
THREE NEW CASINOS ARE ENTERING THE GG FOLD - WITH DEALS TO BOOT!
I'm very happy to be bringing a few new brands on board - all three are U.S. friendly AND all are very different to what you're likely familiar with! In fact, all of the brands are outside the scope of any software we're promoting at GoneGambling, so this should be a very happy moment for many of our members.
BLACK DIAMOND CASINO
A no-download casino, Black Diamond is a mix of Rival, BetSoft and Parlay Entertainment games - heaps of slots, video poker, bingo and all your casino favorites. Along with some really exciting games comes the MASSIVE 500% first, second, third, fourth AND fifth deposit bonuses. You're gonna love Black Diamond - I'd bet John's last hair on it!
DESERT NIGHTS CASINO
With Desert Nights, you have the option of downloading the software or playing the non-download version of this fun Rival-powered casino. Desert Nights will lure you in with a $10 freebie and once you're convinced that this is a great place to play, you can claim up to a 250% first deposit bonus. Please check the promotions page to see your new player bonus options - you'll win no matter which bonuses you decide to take.
WGS Technology is responsible for powering Miami Club, a casino filled with great table games, video poker, daily tournaments and more than 120 great slot games. You can go with Instant-Play or download the software. Your first EIGHT deposits will be matched with a tasty 100% bonus and you'll be treated to plenty of great bonuses going forward. If that's not enough, Miami Club has a really killer comp program. Check Miami Club out.
AND NOW FOR THE DEALS...
Without question, I know you're going to love these casinos, but it doesn't hurt for me to try to entice (er, bribe) you into giving them a shot.
I'm offering big GG stuff and the more you deposit, the more you'll be able to cash-in on:
For the first new account you open (minimum $50 first deposit), you're going to receive 25,000 GG's AND 25 Feature GetLucky's. Open a second new account (minimum $50 first deposit), and you'll receive 50,000 GG's and 50 Feature GetLucky's. Open the third new account (minimum $50 first deposit) and you're going to get a whopping 100,000 GG's AND 100 Feature GetLucky's! This means if you decide to open accounts with each of the three new casinos, you are going to skitter away with 175,000 GG's AND 175 Feature GetLucky's! Holy-freakin'-moly!
But it gets better...
For each dollar you spend on your existing account (this means you're second, third, fourth deposit, etc.), you'll receive 2,000 GG's and for every $10 you spend, you're going to receive 5 Feature GetLucky's (e.g., $50=10,000 GG's and 25 Feature GetLucky's). You can join the GG Millionaire's Club in no time (not that there really IS a GG Millionaire's Club!).
I'm just crossing my fingers that you're going to love these casinos. Hopefully, if we get enough participation, we'll be able to convince these casinos to come into the GG bonus program - so please show 'em some love.
To get in on the deals, you'll need to send your deposit confirmation to: greedygirl@gonegambling (don't forget to add the .com). Please allow 24 hours for your GG's and GetLucky's to be credited.
IMPORTANT: You MUST use the links contained in this email or presented in the GG forum or website to be eligible for the deals. If you've previously opened an account with one or more of these casinos, you would be ineligible for claiming the deal with that particular casino. In other words, these deals are only available if you are opening the account, brand-spanking-new from GG links. If you have any questions, please drop me an email at the address, above.
Deal ends 30th September, 2016
ONE MORE BIT - HAVE YOU NOTICED?
It's been a while, but the GG Auctions are now back, running beautifully! Also, our Random Prize Box is functioning like a charm, so you'll want to be keeping your eye on it to make sure you don't miss a prize!
Giant kudos to Jeff for propping up these GG favorites. And here's hoping he continues the great work, so one day perhaps, our Onions will race again!
A virtual 'amusement park' for online gamblers: free casino games you can play in your browser and win real prizes.
No kidding! And to add to all of this - a real 'small town' community where everybody knows everybody.
GoneGambling is the quirky gem that's been chugging along for well over a decade now, bringing more fun and casino cash than can be found anywhere! We don't take ourselves too seriously, but I'm guessing the Onions may have already hinted to that!
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